My Mantra, My Sun

So there's this mantra, called the Gayatri Mantra, that I've been practicing for a few years. Gayatri Mantra is about bringing in the light of the sun. It's about infusing yourself with the powerful, shining, divine, bright energy that is the sun, while also honoring the sun and giving back to it. As I said, I've been practicing this mantra for maybe 2 or 3 years? Could it be that long? 2 maybe? And wow, the changes that this mantra energy has brought to me has been amazing. I don't know if it's my forever mantra, but it has felt so right to me and my personality and what I feel I'm here to do in this world. 

"A mantra is an audible form of pure consciousness - a pure note reaching the mind from the silent interior space of consciousness. Through meditation, the sound of that note is awakened in the mind, transforming inner life by its presence" - Rolf Slovik    "A mantra is a sound, vibration or feeling/meaning that protects, guides, and leads the mind." - Katie Silcox     Mantras can be in any language, but in Yogic, Buddhist, Hindu, & other traditions the mantras are in Sanskrit, due the vibrational nature of the language. 

But since my dad passed away, I have not the yearning or desire to practice this mantra. I physically haven't been able to bring myself to do it. What's the big deal? It's just words. But it's not just words. I've been struggling so much without him here. Of course he died too soon. But the problem I have is that he was such a bright, shining light for me. He was my Sun. I don't know anyone with a bigger, brighter personality. And yet, I can be compared to him. I'm just like him in so many ways. I can be bright, and I want to be. I know I'm supposed to be. But I've been struggling with my belief that he should still be here and be the bright one. I may or may not be ready, but if I step into the light, will that mean that my dad is not with me anymore? I think that's what I'm most afraid of. I've gotten used to the comfort of the pain and sadness. I don't want to let him go. I'll never be ready.

So this morning, I decided it was time to bring the Gayatri Mantra back. I don't know why. It could've been something I read or heard in my Ayurveda studies. It could've been the general inspiration I gained from spending time with supportive, fabulous women yesterday. It could've been that I finally became sick of feeling stuck, and little bit lost. So I practiced once again. I know it was only one day. But the mantra has settled into my heart. It has shown me that I'm ready to shine the light (once again) into the darkness of myself. I am ready to move forward and shine bright. And I know that my dad and his light will forever remain a part of me.